I'm so frustrated. I have been doing so well in the health department lately. I haven't been sick or even warning signs of sick the past several months. For those of you who know me, that's quite an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning, I had coffee and a muffin for breakfast. I went to work and started feeling really odd. My stomach was hurting so bad! It was weird! I had a decent breakfast!
I started to get hungry so I went to lunch. I had pb&j, (single serving) potato chips, and a soda. I felt lots better so I went back to work. My stomach started to hurt again! I was very confused.
I got off work today and I was so sore! I'm usually sore after work, so I didn't hink anything of it. I just went home, sat down and tried to relax. But a couple hours later, I wasn't feeling relaxed, I was feeling more achey than sore! So I had some dinner and then tried to lay down. That didn't help either. Now I have aches, a headache, and I am having a really hard time focusing.
I really hope that I'm just over tired. I'd hate to get sick right now when I'm up for a promotion again. :(
lindsayallison
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
anger
I'm struggling with anger in bad, bad way. I feel like there have been so many times that I should've gotten angry and I didn't. I just buried the feelings.
Well, now the'yre back with a vengeance. I'm going to bite my tongue for the moment before I start really pissing some people off. I'm hoping this is just a quick, passing phase.
lindsayallison
Well, now the'yre back with a vengeance. I'm going to bite my tongue for the moment before I start really pissing some people off. I'm hoping this is just a quick, passing phase.
lindsayallison
Sunday, July 18, 2010
trampled
So I feel like I'm a door mat.
I feel like I've been walked all over, trampled for so long. It seems to me, that people will do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how it affects another's feelings.
Well I'm done being a doormat. I'm done letting how someone else MIGHT react to something affect what I'm going to do. It's obvious no one gives me the same consideration, so why should I bother anymore?
I just don't care what any of you do. I just don't care who's sleeping with who, or who's talking to who. All you need to know is that I will no longer hold my negative emotions back. I don't give a flying rat's ass who gets pissed at me.
And there are some of you out there who need to realize that I've put up with unacceptable behavior for far too long. By putting up with it, it's like I'm supporting it. Well not anymore. I won't put up with it anymore. And if you should decide to continue, then you need to realize it might cost you one hell of a friend.
You know who you are.
Tell me, was it worth it?
lindsayallison
I feel like I've been walked all over, trampled for so long. It seems to me, that people will do whatever the hell they want, regardless of how it affects another's feelings.
Well I'm done being a doormat. I'm done letting how someone else MIGHT react to something affect what I'm going to do. It's obvious no one gives me the same consideration, so why should I bother anymore?
I just don't care what any of you do. I just don't care who's sleeping with who, or who's talking to who. All you need to know is that I will no longer hold my negative emotions back. I don't give a flying rat's ass who gets pissed at me.
And there are some of you out there who need to realize that I've put up with unacceptable behavior for far too long. By putting up with it, it's like I'm supporting it. Well not anymore. I won't put up with it anymore. And if you should decide to continue, then you need to realize it might cost you one hell of a friend.
You know who you are.
Tell me, was it worth it?
lindsayallison
nothing
I haven't written in a few days because I've been so incredibly busy with work. And I thought today that I should write a new blog. But I don't know what to write about!
So I have nothing.
lindsayallison
So I have nothing.
lindsayallison
Thursday, July 15, 2010
frustration
What do you do when you have a person in your life who just won't...leave?
I tried to reach out, I tried to be a good friend, I tried to help. All of it was thrown back in my face as a knife was twisting in my back. I bowed out gracefully. I said "No more!" and decided I would continue on with my life without this person.
Unfortunately said person is demanding time and attention from those closest to me, from those I love. Even when I walked away, this person is still there. In the periphery of my life.
I HATE that there is nothing I can do to change this. It's bothering me more than I can say. I don't want it to bother me, and I've tried to make myself indifferent, but how can you when you feel so betrayed? How can you feel indifferent when you feel like someone is trying to take over your life?
Maybe it's stupid on my part. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know.
All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore. My anger grows every day. My frustration and my impatience are at my fingertips, itching for me to do something about this situation. I want this to end more than anything.
The good news? I know exactly what I can do/say to end this situation.
The bad news? It would destroy this someone.
And while I may be frustrated; and while I may feel like I'm being provoked to actions beyond my control, I refuse to be the villain in this story. I refuse to sink down to the level of slime. I refuse to let my anger and my frustrations control me.
I just wish I had a better outlet than crying myself to sleep every night.
lindsayallison
I tried to reach out, I tried to be a good friend, I tried to help. All of it was thrown back in my face as a knife was twisting in my back. I bowed out gracefully. I said "No more!" and decided I would continue on with my life without this person.
Unfortunately said person is demanding time and attention from those closest to me, from those I love. Even when I walked away, this person is still there. In the periphery of my life.
I HATE that there is nothing I can do to change this. It's bothering me more than I can say. I don't want it to bother me, and I've tried to make myself indifferent, but how can you when you feel so betrayed? How can you feel indifferent when you feel like someone is trying to take over your life?
Maybe it's stupid on my part. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know.
All I know is that I can't deal with this anymore. My anger grows every day. My frustration and my impatience are at my fingertips, itching for me to do something about this situation. I want this to end more than anything.
The good news? I know exactly what I can do/say to end this situation.
The bad news? It would destroy this someone.
And while I may be frustrated; and while I may feel like I'm being provoked to actions beyond my control, I refuse to be the villain in this story. I refuse to sink down to the level of slime. I refuse to let my anger and my frustrations control me.
I just wish I had a better outlet than crying myself to sleep every night.
lindsayallison
counseling
I started counseling today. This is my third attempt. Third time's the charm, right?
I'm hoping that I will be able to get past the feelings of guilt I constantly seem to have. I'm hoping that I will finally get the confidence to do what I want to do and make my own decisions. I want to be independent. I'm twenty-three years old and should be able to make my own decisions and live my own life.
I really like my counselor. She doesn't beat around the bush, she is laid back, and she has a very calming influence. So far, I'm very impressed.
I'm nervous about this, because I haven't had the greatest experience with counseling in the past, but I hope that this will help.
Keeping my fingers crossed!
lindsayallison
I'm hoping that I will be able to get past the feelings of guilt I constantly seem to have. I'm hoping that I will finally get the confidence to do what I want to do and make my own decisions. I want to be independent. I'm twenty-three years old and should be able to make my own decisions and live my own life.
I really like my counselor. She doesn't beat around the bush, she is laid back, and she has a very calming influence. So far, I'm very impressed.
I'm nervous about this, because I haven't had the greatest experience with counseling in the past, but I hope that this will help.
Keeping my fingers crossed!
lindsayallison
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
day off
Well, today is my day off. I had a whole list of things I wanted to get accomplished today. I don't really want to do them now, lol. Actually, the sad thing is, the things on that list that I really don't want to do are the things I should really probably do.
First I need to do some grocery shopping. It's time to hit up Walmart and get some inexpensive things. Then I need to call my insurance to see what kind of coverage I have for counseling. Then I really need to look into some school stuff for this fall.
Now school is something I would like to put off. And in fact, I might do that. Honestly? My heart just isn't into the business management degree anymore. If I'm really honest with myself, I think I might want to switch to an English major. But that would require transferring to a different school. Midlands Tech doesn't offer an associates degree in English.
I feel bad, like I've wasted my time and money on this Business degree. But I really just don't want to do it anymore. I'm not really sure what I want to do with school right now. So I'm thinking, if I am not really sure, why would I continue to waste time and money on a degree I dno't particularly want? Shouldn't I take that semester and work and save up my money and try to figure out what I do want to do?
I think that might be the best option.
Ok, now it's time for a quick smoke break and then I'm off to the grocery store! I am quite excited to see what I can get for like...$25. :)
lindsayallison
First I need to do some grocery shopping. It's time to hit up Walmart and get some inexpensive things. Then I need to call my insurance to see what kind of coverage I have for counseling. Then I really need to look into some school stuff for this fall.
Now school is something I would like to put off. And in fact, I might do that. Honestly? My heart just isn't into the business management degree anymore. If I'm really honest with myself, I think I might want to switch to an English major. But that would require transferring to a different school. Midlands Tech doesn't offer an associates degree in English.
I feel bad, like I've wasted my time and money on this Business degree. But I really just don't want to do it anymore. I'm not really sure what I want to do with school right now. So I'm thinking, if I am not really sure, why would I continue to waste time and money on a degree I dno't particularly want? Shouldn't I take that semester and work and save up my money and try to figure out what I do want to do?
I think that might be the best option.
Ok, now it's time for a quick smoke break and then I'm off to the grocery store! I am quite excited to see what I can get for like...$25. :)
lindsayallison
Sunday, July 11, 2010
directionless
This is going to be a short post. Mainly because I just don't know what to say.
Have you ever felt directionless? Like, you know you should have a plan and be working towards a goal, but you don't even know what your goals should be?
That's pretty much where I'm at right now.
lindsayallison
Have you ever felt directionless? Like, you know you should have a plan and be working towards a goal, but you don't even know what your goals should be?
That's pretty much where I'm at right now.
lindsayallison
Saturday, July 10, 2010
the power of your words
I truly believe that one of God's biggest gifts to me was the gift of word. I LOVE to write. I love to read. I love languages (especially English, lol) and learning new words. I think I have a fairly decent grasp of words, how to put them together, and how to write down what I think and feel.
Having such a love of words, I have come to understand the importance of knowing the power of your words. I know that with a simple sentence, I can uplift someone or bring them to their lowest point. I know that I can move and inspire people, or I can spread hate and fear.
Corny as it sounds, "with great power comes great responsibility." I believe that my words are my power and that my responsibility is to understand them and to use them wisely by spreading light and love to other people. I don't always succeed in this mission, but I do try my hardest.
What I think is important to know is that even if words aren't your particular strong point, they still have power. I believe that all people need to realize that what you say is going to affect someone, even if it's yourself. Granted things like tone and intention count for a lot when one is speaking, but even taking those into consideration, people need to be careful about what they say.
"Think before you speak" comes to mind at this point. Again, it's another rather corny expression but there is so much truth to that. What people need to realize is that when you speak, even if you intended something to be lighthearted and funny, it can still hurt someone.
Take "you're such a loser!" for instance. Now, in written form you have no idea how I might have said that, you have no idea if I am picking on someone in a friendly, teasing manner or if I'm seriously calling them a loser. Even if I was trying to be funny and teasing, those words can really hurt someone. You never know what someone's trigger is. You never know what phrase, while in typical conversation might be perfectly acceptable, could really hurt someone's feelings.
Of course, there is no way that everyone (or really anyone for that matter) would be able to pause before every word they spoke to make sure it wouldn't hurt someone. The point is, if you find out you've hurt someone with your words, even if it was unintentional, I believe an apology should be in order.
What strikes me as rather sad is that putting people down is such a common occurence these days. Girls call each other such awful names, like "bitch", "slut", "whore", etc. It saddens me that this has become acceptable in society. No one even thinks twice! Probably because if they did really think about the impact of those words, they'd actually feel the pain that those words can bring.
Another thing I find sad is how often the words "love" and "hate" are thrown around. Those words used to have such powerful meaning behind them and it's quickly being drained. It doesn't mean the same thing when someone says "I love you" or "I hate you". Those phrases used to be used when a person actually felt those emotions. Now, they're just thrown out in casual conversation.
It's next to impossible to say everything you might say with love and kindness. Everyone has moments when mean, rude, and hateful words come out of their mouths. But I believe that everyone should strive to make most of their words come from a place of love.
Be careful of what you say. Because words give you power. Sometimes a power you never even knew you could have.
lindsayallison
Having such a love of words, I have come to understand the importance of knowing the power of your words. I know that with a simple sentence, I can uplift someone or bring them to their lowest point. I know that I can move and inspire people, or I can spread hate and fear.
Corny as it sounds, "with great power comes great responsibility." I believe that my words are my power and that my responsibility is to understand them and to use them wisely by spreading light and love to other people. I don't always succeed in this mission, but I do try my hardest.
What I think is important to know is that even if words aren't your particular strong point, they still have power. I believe that all people need to realize that what you say is going to affect someone, even if it's yourself. Granted things like tone and intention count for a lot when one is speaking, but even taking those into consideration, people need to be careful about what they say.
"Think before you speak" comes to mind at this point. Again, it's another rather corny expression but there is so much truth to that. What people need to realize is that when you speak, even if you intended something to be lighthearted and funny, it can still hurt someone.
Take "you're such a loser!" for instance. Now, in written form you have no idea how I might have said that, you have no idea if I am picking on someone in a friendly, teasing manner or if I'm seriously calling them a loser. Even if I was trying to be funny and teasing, those words can really hurt someone. You never know what someone's trigger is. You never know what phrase, while in typical conversation might be perfectly acceptable, could really hurt someone's feelings.
Of course, there is no way that everyone (or really anyone for that matter) would be able to pause before every word they spoke to make sure it wouldn't hurt someone. The point is, if you find out you've hurt someone with your words, even if it was unintentional, I believe an apology should be in order.
What strikes me as rather sad is that putting people down is such a common occurence these days. Girls call each other such awful names, like "bitch", "slut", "whore", etc. It saddens me that this has become acceptable in society. No one even thinks twice! Probably because if they did really think about the impact of those words, they'd actually feel the pain that those words can bring.
Another thing I find sad is how often the words "love" and "hate" are thrown around. Those words used to have such powerful meaning behind them and it's quickly being drained. It doesn't mean the same thing when someone says "I love you" or "I hate you". Those phrases used to be used when a person actually felt those emotions. Now, they're just thrown out in casual conversation.
It's next to impossible to say everything you might say with love and kindness. Everyone has moments when mean, rude, and hateful words come out of their mouths. But I believe that everyone should strive to make most of their words come from a place of love.
Be careful of what you say. Because words give you power. Sometimes a power you never even knew you could have.
lindsayallison
Friday, July 9, 2010
money money money
"Money, money, money,
must be funny
in a rich man's world.
Money, money, money,
Always sunny
in the rich man's world.
Aha!
All the things I could do,
if I had a little money.
It's a rich man's world!"
ABBA sang it true. It's definitely a rich man's world.
I feel so stuck when it comes to finances. It seems that I'm always trying to be careful and I always end up with a really low balance in my account. Then I'm even more careful. And then...BAM! Overdraft fees.
I HATE overdraft fees. I mean, the guy who's CEO of my bank (Bank of America) makes millions of dollars every year. You wanna know what I made last year? I barely broke 10 grand. Yep, that's it. $10,000 last year. I made so little money that even the GOVERNMENT gave me back all of the money they took from me last year. That's how pathetic I am.
What I hate most is that in reality, how I spent my money, I should have only been charged one overdraft fee. But no, they hold off on completely processing the small transaction that should have gone through no problem until the BIG transaction (a check) comes in. Then they take the big transaction out, put me in the negative, and THEN take out the small one so they can hit me with two overdraft fees.
It's really pissing me off that these board of directors and CEOs can just take people's money like this. I mean, I make SO LITTLE and I'm trying SO HARD and it just doesn't seem to matter.
I'm in desperate need of financial help. Luckily, my mom is going to help me create a budget. I think when I finally move in with her (which will be really soon, especially after this) it will help me even more. I think I might even need to have her put on my account again. If I know that she can monitor my online banking, it might help me be a little more discrete (spelling?) with my spending. What I love is that my mom is not judgmental. She understands that I'm just NOT GOOD with money. I think she understands that I need someone to point out my mistakes with love and kindness and not judgment. She understands that I don't need someone to yell at me, but rather to help me.
In other news, Kay left. She spent most of the week with us and it was really nice to spend time with her. What was also really nice, was talking to Felicia on the phone last night. I hadn't really talked to her since she left SC back about three weeks ago or so. I've missed her like crazy. It was so nice to hear that she is doing SO WELL in her new job in Florida.
Right now? I'm going to attempt to relax. I had a long, rough day with some driving and then I had to work. Our A/C is out in several places at work. After about an hour and a half I started feeling super light headed, dizzy, and I found I couldn't focus. Luckily I got some water and a small snack on my break to help with my low blood sugar and my dehydration. It was all I could do to get home, get in my pajamas, and then collapse in my recliner. I have to work early in the morning, so I'm just going to get a shower and some sleep.
Maybe I can find it in me to draw up a bubble bath and really relax. Who knows?
lindsayallison
must be funny
in a rich man's world.
Money, money, money,
Always sunny
in the rich man's world.
Aha!
All the things I could do,
if I had a little money.
It's a rich man's world!"
ABBA sang it true. It's definitely a rich man's world.
I feel so stuck when it comes to finances. It seems that I'm always trying to be careful and I always end up with a really low balance in my account. Then I'm even more careful. And then...BAM! Overdraft fees.
I HATE overdraft fees. I mean, the guy who's CEO of my bank (Bank of America) makes millions of dollars every year. You wanna know what I made last year? I barely broke 10 grand. Yep, that's it. $10,000 last year. I made so little money that even the GOVERNMENT gave me back all of the money they took from me last year. That's how pathetic I am.
What I hate most is that in reality, how I spent my money, I should have only been charged one overdraft fee. But no, they hold off on completely processing the small transaction that should have gone through no problem until the BIG transaction (a check) comes in. Then they take the big transaction out, put me in the negative, and THEN take out the small one so they can hit me with two overdraft fees.
It's really pissing me off that these board of directors and CEOs can just take people's money like this. I mean, I make SO LITTLE and I'm trying SO HARD and it just doesn't seem to matter.
I'm in desperate need of financial help. Luckily, my mom is going to help me create a budget. I think when I finally move in with her (which will be really soon, especially after this) it will help me even more. I think I might even need to have her put on my account again. If I know that she can monitor my online banking, it might help me be a little more discrete (spelling?) with my spending. What I love is that my mom is not judgmental. She understands that I'm just NOT GOOD with money. I think she understands that I need someone to point out my mistakes with love and kindness and not judgment. She understands that I don't need someone to yell at me, but rather to help me.
In other news, Kay left. She spent most of the week with us and it was really nice to spend time with her. What was also really nice, was talking to Felicia on the phone last night. I hadn't really talked to her since she left SC back about three weeks ago or so. I've missed her like crazy. It was so nice to hear that she is doing SO WELL in her new job in Florida.
Right now? I'm going to attempt to relax. I had a long, rough day with some driving and then I had to work. Our A/C is out in several places at work. After about an hour and a half I started feeling super light headed, dizzy, and I found I couldn't focus. Luckily I got some water and a small snack on my break to help with my low blood sugar and my dehydration. It was all I could do to get home, get in my pajamas, and then collapse in my recliner. I have to work early in the morning, so I'm just going to get a shower and some sleep.
Maybe I can find it in me to draw up a bubble bath and really relax. Who knows?
lindsayallison
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
mom
I have the best mother in the world.
There simply is no question about that. She has this amazing way of telling me things I need to hear. She recommends paths to take and she offers advice based on her own experiences. She doesn't TELL me what I need to do, she just suggests ideas to better myself.
I have been struggling SO MUCH lately with some left over issues with how I grew up and my own way of thinking. It's amazing to realize that my mom has a lot of those same insecurities and emotions and she knows just how to offer a hand to help me. And if she can't help me, she can recommend someone else who can.
I love talking to her because she gives me advice on how to deal with other people and how to process the emotions that I feel on a day to day basis. She doesn't judge me and she doesn't judge the other people in my life. She just offers her own knowledge of how to "let go and let God", as she says. I love that she would rather have a strong relationship with me than sit on a pedestal and judge me for the mistakes that I've made. She'd rather help me rectify my mistakes and errors in judgment than rub my face in them.
Anyways, the point of this is this: I have the best mother in the world. Enough said.
lindsayallison
There simply is no question about that. She has this amazing way of telling me things I need to hear. She recommends paths to take and she offers advice based on her own experiences. She doesn't TELL me what I need to do, she just suggests ideas to better myself.
I have been struggling SO MUCH lately with some left over issues with how I grew up and my own way of thinking. It's amazing to realize that my mom has a lot of those same insecurities and emotions and she knows just how to offer a hand to help me. And if she can't help me, she can recommend someone else who can.
I love talking to her because she gives me advice on how to deal with other people and how to process the emotions that I feel on a day to day basis. She doesn't judge me and she doesn't judge the other people in my life. She just offers her own knowledge of how to "let go and let God", as she says. I love that she would rather have a strong relationship with me than sit on a pedestal and judge me for the mistakes that I've made. She'd rather help me rectify my mistakes and errors in judgment than rub my face in them.
Anyways, the point of this is this: I have the best mother in the world. Enough said.
lindsayallison
baby therapy
Well, today is a new day. I surprisingly already have a sense of calm and peace. I took care of a few things last night and made some decisions that I hope will keep me on this new path I've decided to follow.
The termite guy just showed up and told me that I am free and clear of any termites in the house. It's always nice to know that your house isn't being eaten alive by tiny bugs.
Plans for today? Well, Kay is in town and I think I will be going to see her at some point today. But first, I have to go get me some baby therapy. There's nothing quite as calming and can make you feel good as holding a little baby. Plus, I apparently have to have a talk with my little "niece" about normal sleep schedules and the meaning of the term, "beauty sleep". (It is never too early to start, you know.)
Then I do believe I have a phone date with one, Ms. Felicia, who recently moved away and whom I miss terribly.
It's going to be a busy, busy day off!
lindsayallison
The termite guy just showed up and told me that I am free and clear of any termites in the house. It's always nice to know that your house isn't being eaten alive by tiny bugs.
Plans for today? Well, Kay is in town and I think I will be going to see her at some point today. But first, I have to go get me some baby therapy. There's nothing quite as calming and can make you feel good as holding a little baby. Plus, I apparently have to have a talk with my little "niece" about normal sleep schedules and the meaning of the term, "beauty sleep". (It is never too early to start, you know.)
Then I do believe I have a phone date with one, Ms. Felicia, who recently moved away and whom I miss terribly.
It's going to be a busy, busy day off!
lindsayallison
Monday, July 5, 2010
a new start
I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to start writing a diary or a journal or a blog. I start so many of these things and then end up abandoning them. Well, I'm hoping that this time it will stick.
A good friend told me I should start blogging again because it seemed to her that it had proven to be a good stress reliever for me. I think she might be right so I'm gonna give a shot again.
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf these days. First thing I need to do is set some boundaries with the people in my life. I have a hard time telling people "no" and it has caused for some serious heartache on my end. Well, I'm making the honest effort to stop that. Hopefully I can start to regain some semblence of control in my life.
Next thing I need to do is figure out what I want to do with school. I've struggled so much because it seems that I change my mind about what I want to do with my life every other week. I'm currently enrolled in a local technical college for an associates in business management. It's something I'm good at, but I have definitely been dragging my feet in getting this degree. Just because you're good at soemthing doesn't mean your heart is in it. And my heart just isn't in business anymore.
I'm honestly thinking I want to be more creative in my life. I've rediscovered painting lately and I have loved every minute of it. I've also decided to take up writing again. It's something I have ALWAYS loved and had a great passion for. I think I might even have a decent idea for a story/book. All I have to do now is write it.
I hope this is a good start to turning my life around. Right now though? It's almost 2:45 in the morning and I desperately need some sleep. I worked the entire holiday weekend and I'm finally getting my break. Believe me, I'm going to enjoy this.
Good night all!
lindsayallison
A good friend told me I should start blogging again because it seemed to her that it had proven to be a good stress reliever for me. I think she might be right so I'm gonna give a shot again.
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf these days. First thing I need to do is set some boundaries with the people in my life. I have a hard time telling people "no" and it has caused for some serious heartache on my end. Well, I'm making the honest effort to stop that. Hopefully I can start to regain some semblence of control in my life.
Next thing I need to do is figure out what I want to do with school. I've struggled so much because it seems that I change my mind about what I want to do with my life every other week. I'm currently enrolled in a local technical college for an associates in business management. It's something I'm good at, but I have definitely been dragging my feet in getting this degree. Just because you're good at soemthing doesn't mean your heart is in it. And my heart just isn't in business anymore.
I'm honestly thinking I want to be more creative in my life. I've rediscovered painting lately and I have loved every minute of it. I've also decided to take up writing again. It's something I have ALWAYS loved and had a great passion for. I think I might even have a decent idea for a story/book. All I have to do now is write it.
I hope this is a good start to turning my life around. Right now though? It's almost 2:45 in the morning and I desperately need some sleep. I worked the entire holiday weekend and I'm finally getting my break. Believe me, I'm going to enjoy this.
Good night all!
lindsayallison
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